


coming home with broken bones

by crossing_wires



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Fix-It, M/M, Minor Body Horror, Temporary Character Death, look i know this is impossible just let me believe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 20:06:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8547322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crossing_wires/pseuds/crossing_wires
Summary: The first time Kaidan sees him after the Reapers, after the destruction, after everything, Shepard barely looks human. His skin is burned away to the bone in some places, not a single trace of hair left on his body. He looks smaller, sharper, a skeleton with barely enough muscle and flesh left to hold him together. They tell him that his organs and bones have suffered the same, every trace of Cerberus’s cybernetic repairs torn and burned out of his body until only the human traces of Shepard are left. Barely enough to survive.





	1. Chapter 1

The first time Kaidan sees him after the Reapers, after the destruction, after everything, Shepard barely looks human. His skin is burned away to the bone in some places, not a single trace of hair left on his body. He looks smaller, sharper, a skeleton with barely enough muscle and flesh left to hold him together. They tell him that his organs and bones have suffered the same, every trace of Cerberus's cybernetic repairs torn and burned out of his body until only the human traces of Shepard are left. Barely enough to survive.

Kaidan sits silently and stares at him for a long time. Finds himself caught in the angle of a high cheekbone, lost as he discovers remnants of Shepard in that slender, bloody throat. There's a chip on his right thumbnail from when he smashed it making coffee two weeks ago, and Kaidan can't tear his gaze away from it, wrapped in the memory of Shepard's quiet curses and the rueful smile he'd given him.

His eyes are gone. The hollows are covered by a soft white bandage. Kaidan takes a moment to mourn the fact that he'll never see that same shade of blue again, but no more than a moment. The loss is nothing compared to the sheer relief that echoes through his bones, making him feel like he's floating.

Kaidan buries his face in his hands and sends a thank you to anyone who might be listening. His fingers tremble and his vision blurs, but he smiles.

The heart monitor in the corner pulses steadily, on and on and on.

-

They keep him in a bed surrounded by a flexible plasi bubble that serves to lock out contamination. There are ports in the sides that allow the doctors and nurses to administer drugs and tests without accidentally giving Shepard an infection that would undoubtedly kill him. It's frightening, thinking that Shepard could die now, after all he's survived, from a simple cold.

The worst part is not being able to touch him.

That first night at the hospital, Kaidan drags in a cot and places empty crates of medigel under each leg, raising it until he's level with Shepard while lying down. He pushes the whole thing as close to Shepard's bed as he can get and makes sure it's out of the way of the nurses who stop by every half hour to check vitals and give him concerned looks.

The first night, he doesn't sleep much. He manages to doze off sometime during the early morning and wakes to sunshine filtering through the cracked window.

Kaidan kisses his fingers lightly and touches them to the bubble that surrounds Shepard. The material is smooth and almost warm.

"Good morning," he says.

-

"Understand, Spectre Alenko, that even if he lives long enough to stabilize, even if he survives the surgeries and the procedures that will get his body back in working order, and if he wakes up after that, he'll probably be in constant pain. He'll need pills, therapy, he'll need someone there for him with medical experience around the clock."

Kaidan nods, trying to be polite, but the salarian doctor has pulled him out of Shepard's room and into the hallway to talk. He is struggling a bit to find a reason not to simply turn around and walk right back in without a second glance. 

"I'm sure you're aware that there are other options and as his documented health care agent..."

The doctor rambles on for nearly a minute, finally coming to a halting stop as Kaidan continues to do nothing but stare at him. He knows all about the other options. Putting Shepard down like a sick dog isn't one he'll even allow to be considered.

"Do your best. Take care of him," Kaidan says finally. "He'll wake up."

-

"When this is over, I'm gonna be waiting for you," Shepard had said. "You'd better be there."

He hadn't said it then. He'd been too afraid to put that hopeless dream into words. He'd tried to say it with that last kiss instead, tried to promise Shepard everything, to give him everything with a single kiss. Tried to promise him a future he didn't think they could ever have.

"I'm here," he whispers to the fragile body in front of him, though he knows there's no way Shepard can hear. "I'm waiting for you, whenever you're ready. I'm here."

-

Shepard's new skin grafts are finally starting to heal when the other crew member's authorization goes through the new high command. 

Garrus first, murmuring softly about a bar in the sky, watching Shepard with a kind of weary satisfaction. "Knew you could do it," he says, and it warms Kaidan to see someone else talking to Shepard like he's a human being, instead of running test after test and referring to him only as "the patient." He doesn't deserve that, not after everything.

The others file through slowly. Tali rests a hand against the plasi cover and whispers in Quarian for a long time. Joker doesn't stay long and he doesn't say much, but he looks slightly more at ease when he leaves. Traynor puts a hand on Kaidan's shoulder and asks him how he's doing, and he smiles at her and tells her that they'll both be fine.

Wrex and Grunt don't stay for long, and are predictably gruff.

Liara and Miranda both cry a little and make excuses to leave quickly, but Jack stays for nearly as long as Garrus did, sipping at a flask of something that tastes like rubbing alcohol when Kaidan samples it. Jack cackles as he coughs and slaps him good naturally on the back, giving him a crooked grin when she finally leaves.

James calls and sends his regrets, saying that he's too busy with reconstruction to take any time off, adding quietly, "Don't really want to see Loco tied up in some hospital bed, ya know?"

Even Kasumi stops by for a half hour, leaving with the pudding cup from his ration box and likely the security codes for the building as well as the personal id of every patient being treated there.

At the end of the day however, it's always the same. Kaidan, alone with Shepard and the night shift, waiting.

-

None of the VI systems that build artificial organs and limbs have been operational since the Crucible detonated, but they're hardly in search of donors when the body count is so high. Barely a day passes after Shepard is judged stable enough for surgery before a promising set of new organs becomes available. It saddens him, thinking of the people who didn't make it, but mostly Kaidan is just grateful to them for giving Shepard a chance.

He gets a new lung from a soldier that fought beside them in London. The healthy bone marrow comes from a civilian doctor who made her way to the front lines to try and help. A teacher from Germany doesn't survive her own surgery, and her liver is shipped to the hospital. The young man down the hall, barely more than a boy, who'd enlisted the day the Reapers landed on Earth passes away in his sleep, and the doctors immediately begin prepping Shepard for the eye transplant.

Kaidan slumps over in his horribly uncomfortable chair, exhausted and relieved that when Shepard wakes up, it won't be to a world of darkness.

-

Shepard's new eyes are storm grey instead of the cornflower blue that Kaidan is used to. When Shepard finally opens his eyes Kaidan feels for a moment he's staring into a hurricane.

"Hey," Shepard says, whisper soft and rough as sandpaper. "You're here."

Kaidan can't breath for a moment, heart caught in his throat as he swallows back tears.

"Of course," he stammers finally. "Of course I'm here, Shepard. I promised."

And Shepard, of course, gives him that damn guileless smile. Which apparently takes too much energy because he's asleep again in a moment, but for now, this is enough.

The protective cover is still surrounding him. Kaidan still can't touch him, still can't hold him, but they'll get there. He knows they will.

Kaidan kisses his fingers, presses them against the cover, right over where he can see Shepard's chest rising and falling steadily.

"I'm here."


	2. Chapter 2

They order him to report to the Krogan encampment to assist with relocation efforts the day after Shepard wakes up, and Kaidan isn't sure he'll ever quite forgive them for that.

Things are tense, they say, a mediator is needed, someone who is on friendly terms with Urdnot Wrex as well as the humans who are frantically trying to settle everyone into their own temporary residences before a second war breaks out between the Turians and the Krogans, and who better than Spectre Alenko, a member of the Alliance military as well as a former crew mate of the Krogan leader. He is needed, they say, and not for the first time he wonders what would have happened if he'd never joined the Alliance, never tied himself so completely to duty and the greater good.

He'd never have met Shepard, he reminds himself, but it's small comfort when he thinks that the next time Shepard wakes up, he won't be there beside him.

He types out a message on one of Shepard's encrypted datapads and leaves it with a nurse to give to him when he's capable of reading it.

_Shepard_ , it reads, _sorry I'm not there. Duty calls, or so I've been told. The Krogans are giving the Council trouble and I'm needed to keep the peace. I'm sure if they gave Wrex the time of day they wouldn't even need me, but you know how these things are. Hopefully I'll be able to wrap it up quickly. I'll make sure to tell Grunt and Wrex hello for you. Don't give the docs too much trouble._

He types out, _I love you_ , almost unconsciously, and then deletes it. The sentiment seems cheesy and disinguine in the datapad's bright blue type, the action something a lover in a badly acted romance movie would do.

The first time he said it, he thought he was saying goodbye. The next time he tells Shepard how he feels, he's going to do it right.

-

Things appear to be tense when he first arrives at the area that has been designated to the Krogan forces, but Wrex is as friendly as ever. He doesn't attempt to headbutt the human at least, which is a relief, and he asks about Shepard as soon as everyone has been introduced and greeted.

"He woke up for the first time two days ago," Kaidan says. "The doctors say that he's recovering extremely well despite everything, which isn't surprising considering, well..."

"Considering that it's Shepard," Wrex says, voice as much of a growl as ever. "Never did know how to stay down. He'll be back on his feet in no time, you watch."

Kaidan smiles tiredly. God, he hopes so. And even if he isn't, even if Shepard never walks again, Kaidan is going to be beside him for every minute that he can. He wishes so badly that he could be beside him now, and the thought of Shepard waking up in that hospital room, alone and in pain, makes his chest ache.

Some of what he's feeling must show on his face, because Wrex punches him shoulder gently, nearly knocking the man over.

"Chin up, Alenko," he says, in a tone that can only be described as cheerful. "He'll be there when you get back, giving everyone hell like usual."

-

The bed that they give him is a queen, with grey blankets, new sheets, and two pillows. Most of the other humans working here, even the Alliance officers, have to make due with dorms bunks for now, but his Spectre status gets him a little more luxury. Really, he'd have preferred the bunk.

Kaidan can't really remember the last time he slept in a bed that had so much space without Shepard beside him.

The crew quarters on the Normandy weren't what one would call spacious, nor were the crew cabins on any ship he'd served on. Before that had been officer school and basic training, making due with twin beds so short that his feet hung off the edge more often then not. Coming back to his parent's home and his old room and double mattress the first time he'd been on leave had been a mix of aching nostalgia and luxury. He'd bought a queen when he'd first moved out into his own apartment, his home between missions, but the apartment had never really seemed like home and he'd never quite had enough time to get used to the bed.

Then there had been Shepard, and of course Shepard's bed, because trying to have sex in the crew quarters of the Normandy would have been laughably impossible. Shepard's mattress was large and firm and the sheets and blankets always impeccable, partially due to the fact that if Kaidan's suspicions were correct, Shepard rarely slept in said bed. Kaidan had very enthusiastically done his best to make sure that his boyfriend spent a few hours of the night under the blankets with him, even if not all of that time was devoted to sleeping.

He'd spent the weeks leading up to the Reaper attack wrapped around Shepard, skin to skin, holding him and being held. The bed they've given him is too cold, and there's so much space.

He pulls the blankets over his head and stays there until his breath fills the space and he's uncomfortably warm. But it's better than the cold from before, the chill of Shepard not being with him. He buries his face in the pillow and squeezes it tight, trying very hard not to think about how far away Shepard is and how much he misses him. He doesn't fall asleep for hours.

-

He gets a message five days later, still stuck firmly in Krogan territory trying to get the Council to see reason and give the soldiers a bigger encampment.

When he sees who it's from he has to take a breath and sit down, knees suddenly week, fingers shaking as he selects the message.

_Hey. Don't worry about it, if anyone understands the demands of this job, I do. Reminds me of when you were laid up for that month or so, but reversed, and now I'm stuck in a bed and you're out there saving the world again. I didn't realize how much the being stuck in a bed part sucked until now. I've only been awake for an hour or so each day, so you're not missing much. There's a really nice nurse here who read me your message and is writing this one now, I think we should take her with us next time, she told me she still hasn't even been off Earth yet, can you imagine that? Anyways, I'm sure you're busy. I'll be here when you get back._

Kaidan rests his elbows against his knees, rests his forehead against the datapad screen, closes his eyes and reminds himself that he's got five minutes before he has to brief to twenty unhappy Krogan that the Council doesn't think they need a little more room, and if he looks like he's been crying when he meets them they're not going to take him very seriously.

He swallows thickly, eyes squeezed tight shut, and he smiles, bright and real for what feels like the first time in months.

-

It's worse now, knowing that Shepard is awake and recovering and _alive_ , and Kaidan is stuck as an impromptu peacekeeper in the aftermath of war. He's twitchy and irritable and snaps at full grown Krogan and high ranking officials alike as if they're junior crewman. Wrex has to step in a few times to prevent all out brawls, and while Kaidan is grateful for his influence, knows that escalating the situation would only cause more problems, there's a part of him that feels like a teenager again, reckless and angry at the world and ready to tear someone apart at the slightest provocation.

He feels restless and tense and like his heart is beating too hard, and the single message that Shepard manages to send each day is the only thing that soothes him, if only for a brief time before the restless and the urge to break something takes over again.

One of the senior Alliance officers pulls him to the side after a meeting and tells him that whatever is going on, he needs to sort himself and get his head on straight.

Kaidan tells him that if that's what the Council wants, they need to put him on the first shuttle back to London.

A month ago he never would have done that. He would have said yes sir, nodded, saluted, and done his best to correct himself. But he's angry, and he's tired, and he wants to be with Shepard, and really, what did they expect.

Wrex takes him to an underground bar and they start a fight, which helps a little.

-

He dreams. The world is on fire around him and silent, the vacuum of space surrounding him even as the ground explodes into ash. Shepard is standing among the rubble of London, bloody and sightless, reaching for him, mouth opening to form his name, the name he's heard murmured with affection, with a sigh of exasperation, with a soft moan as they lay together, trying to drive away thoughts of war with gentle touches, as they patched memories and buried ghosts in butterfly kisses.

He reaches forward, but Shepard is falling, falling, falling, and the faster Kaidan moves towards him the faster he falls until there's nothing but the void around him, the ash floating through the air, the echo of Shepard calling his name.

He wakes with a start, clawing at his sheets, bile in his throat. He scrambles for the omnitool on his bedside table and blearily types in the password as he begins to come back to consciousness.

_I miss you_ , he types, hitting send without a second thought. It's the closest he can come to talking to Shepard, and right now, still half tangled in the nightmare and desperate to remember that reality isn't quite so horrible, not this time anyways, all he wants is to talk to Shepard, to reassure himself that the man is alive and breathing half way across the continent. He wants so badly to hold him, to feel his skin again, to wrap him up in his arms and protect him from all the nightmares of the universe. It's a foolish wish, but his fingers twitch against the sheets, reaching for something that he can't have.

If he squeezes the second pillow to his chest and hides his face against it until his breathing stabilizes, then that's really no one's business.

-

He dozes fitfully the rest of the night, waking early to the soft ping of a new message on his omni tool.

_I'm alright, Kaidan. Try to get something for breakfast that isn't protein bars or coffee, please. I miss you too._

He grins down at the message for probably longer than a person normally would, but he doesn't really care. There's a warmth building in his chest, overpowering the anger and the constant frustration, a warmth that he doesn't think even a Reaper could destroy. Shepard. Despite everything, he still has Shepard, who remembers that after restless nights he usually doesn't have much energy to make himself a healthy breakfast, even though food that isn't packaged in a wrapper stamped with the Alliance insignia does do wonders for his mood. Shepard, who understands that short messages sent in the early hours of the morning mean bad dreams and the need for reassurance. Shepard, who misses him.

Kaidan drags himself out of bed still smiling, and eats an apple while he reads over the morning reports.

-

A month later, he's still a thousand miles from Shepard and the restlessness is gone, replaced by a constant state of complete and absolute apathy. He attends meeting and doesn't listen, solves minor disputes without a care, and lives for Shepard's daily messages. The Krogan continue to ask for more space, for more rations, for more medical care, and the Council continues to send them the absolute minimum amount of supplies and ignore their messages, placing sole responsibility of keeping the peace on Kaidan's shoulders.

Honestly, Kaidan is waiting for someone to try something, and if they do he isn't sure if he'll stop them.

And then, at just past midnight on a Tuesday, his omnitool lights up with a message from Shepard.

_Hey. I know it's late there but. I wish you were here._

In the years the Kaidan has known John Shepard, the man has never asked for a thing. Kaidan has patched him up more times than he can count, has held him through nightmares and panic attacks that left him trembling and barely coherent, has been beside him through good days and bad days, and Shepard has never asked him for anything, has always smiled at him and told him that he didn't need to bother, that it was alright, that he would be fine, even as he broke apart in Kaidan's arms. If Shepard is telling him now that he wants him there, is asking for him, than things must be bad, and Kaidan isn't about to let him down. He doesn't hesitate as he types out the response.

_I'll be there soon._

A minute later there's a new message.

_Thank you._

-

He bangs on Wrex's door with probably a little more enthusiasm than he should.

"Get up grouch, it's time to get out of here."

Wrex pulls the door open with a groan, shotgun already in hand. He grins slowly at Kaidan, a predatory glint in his eyes that Kaidan returns.

"About fuckin' time."

-

Compared to taking on the very worst that the galaxy has to throw at them, from mad Turians to Reapers to pig headed Council members, stealing a shuttle is comically easy. They're two hours gone before a warning goes out across the communication channels, and even that isn't more than standard procedure. Everyone has more important things on their plate than some shuttle going missing. A few messages from higher ups register on Kaidan's omnitool, but he doesn't bother opening them. Let them court marshal him. See if he gives a shit.

It takes almost ten hours to reach Shepard's hospital, and Kaidan spends those ten hours impatiently tapping his foot and staring broodily off into the distance while Wrex ignores him in favor of humming and cleaning his guns repeatedly. Time passes with aching slowness, and then suddenly they're half an hour away and Kaidan feels ready to burst with nerves and excitement.

Two months. Two months of messages and frustration and emptiness where Shepard is supposed to be, and now he's so close he nearly can't believe it.

Wrex pulls up to the entrance and shoves him out the door.

"Go get him, Alenko," he growls. "Tell him I owe him a bottle of Ryncol when he gets out!"

Kaidan laughs, shaking his head, and throws the Krogan a mock salute as the big alien takes off with the shuttle. Then he turns to the entrance, squares his shoulders, and lets out a long breath.

He finds Shepard in the rec room on the top floor. He's wearing a loose shirt and pair of baggy cotton pants, both pale blue. His hair has grown back, a little longer than Kaidan has ever seen it, scraggly and out of regs. He smiles as Kaidan watches him talk to another patient, a woman who looks like she could tear apart a Reaper all on her own, if her hands weren't shaking quite so badly. The smile is a bit sad, a bit strained, but it's there, and something in Kaidan's chest loosens.

Shepard is using a brace to hold himself up and his posture is hunched slightly, but all in all, he looks good. Better than he could have hoped for after seeing the crushed and burned body they had pulled out of the debris of the Citadel. He looks good, and Kaidan is frozen there, grinning at his Commander like an idiot.

The woman catches sight of him then, says something to Shepard and gestures his way. Shepard turns to look at him, and their eyes meeting is like a shock going down his spine. The eyes are wrong, and that throws him off a bit, grey instead of blue, but the light inside them, the life is exactly the same.

It reminds him of a movie from his childhood, a classic his mother had loved, about two dogs and a cat making their way home. At the end of the film the older dog had barely been able to keep up, limping along until he finally climbed the last hill and reached the end of his journey.

Shepard limps towards him now, the crutch slowing his movement even as it keeps him from collapse. In a moment his face has shed whatever unhappiness Kaidan saw before, replaced with unrestrained joy, smile wide and bright enough to rival any sun. He's so beautiful, Kaidan can't believe there was ever a time he didn't love this man.

Something gives out just as Shepard reaches him, the brace buckling and Shepard stumbling, but Kaidan catches him up in his arms and pulls him close, warm and present for the first time in what's felt like a lifetime. They cling to each other, Shepard's arms around him almost as strong as they were before, his face pressed into Kaidan's neck, his scent in Kaidan's nose, his hair prickling against his cheek, and Kaidan shudders and hugs him harder.

"Are you alright?" Kaidan asks. "That message..."

"I saved the entire universe three times, and they wouldn't even let my boyfriend visit. What's that about?" Shepard sighs against his ear and his fingers clench tight in Kaidan's shirt. "I got tired of missing you."

Kaidan pulls back just enough to reach Shepard's lips, just enough space between them for a kiss.

"I love you," he says, and with Shepard heavy in his arms and smiling against his mouth, Kaidan finally feels like he's home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me,, sobbing into a starbuk: let them be happy

**Author's Note:**

> me in 2075 probably: *still fucking crying about mass effect*


End file.
